Job Interview

A job interview is a conversation between a job applicant and employer where questions are asked with the goal of extracting a confession or incriminating statements from the applicant. During this process, the employer hopes to determine whether or not the applicant is a clone of Marlow Hawthorne, the previous loyal employee who served him since 1949 before he jumped into a nearby river for the lack of change in his pay since 1949.

In light of its popularity, a stream of research has attempted to understand why interviews help us pick the right people. Several reviews of these research on interview techniques revealed that it all comes down to luck because interviews effectively capture a wide variety of applicant attributes like previous convictions, race and religion, hair color, dental hygiene and generally nothing that would directly reveal whether the applicant can perform the job applied for.

One way to think about the interview process is as three separate, albeit related, phases 1/ The pre-interview phase during which the employer is hoping you look like Megan Fox 2/ The interview phase during which the employer finds out you look exactly like Megan Fox in 2047 and 3/ Post-interview phase during which you realize the employer actually thinks of you as Megan Fox in the movie Titanic ; What! you don’t remember her from that movie?…… Exactly.

Among the many strategic options, applicants can surpass interviewing difficulties using two “absolutely sure to win” strategies. For best results, use both strategies simultaneously,

Strategy One – Research:

Too often, we fail to recognize that employers despise applicants who show up to interviews without adequate knowledge of the job, the company or the general vicinity of the city in which the company exists because too often, applicants end up driving to a part of the city that is 30 miles diagonally opposite to the intended place of interview and they arrive there 4 days late. For this reason it is strongly recommended that you must spend enough time to learn about intimate details of, among various things, the interviewer. In fact, we recommend that you go a step further to employ a private detective agency to find out everything there is to know about the interviewer which could potentially ruin his marriage and/or career. This way, you will guarantee yourself to successfully blackmail your way through the job interview.

Strategy Two – commitment:

It is a known fact that employers seek committed applicants who offer a unique value to their teams. Although you might be one such applicant with those necessary unique qualities, seldom do you realize that other potential applicants might extinguish your uniqueness as soon as they learn to, lets say, fill a job application. To cope with this challenge, you must not only strive to communicate your unique value to the employer but also demonstrate that you will protect your competitive edge over other applicants through continuously upgrading your skills and threatening to kill any potential applicant if they so much as think to apply. This level of commitment often intimidates the interviewer into offering you the job for the fear of his dear life.

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