Resume Writing

A resume is a document used by persons to present their backgrounds and skills, if any. Resumes can be used for a variety of reasons, but most often you will use them to hide as many professional blunders as humanly possible and to secure employment which you will come to hate within hours of signing the employment contract. Your resume is usually one of the first items, along with your cover letter and sometimes few of your lewd self-portraits in Facebook, which a potential employer typically sees and uses to screen you, often followed by you never hearing back from him ever again.

In many contexts, a resume is short (usually one to three hundred and fifty-eight pages), and directs a reader’s attention to those aspects of your background that you are least ashamed of. Interestingly, when employers review a resume they typically only spend three to thirteen and a half seconds, therefore the top half of a resume is the prime real estate for important information and the bottom half can be used for dirty poetry or genital pictures.

Since a resume is an important marketing tool in which the content should be adapted to suit each individual job application, it is necessary to be aware of its three main objectives (a) to not put the reader to sleep half way through reading it (b) to not make the reader call lunatics asylum (c) to make him want to invite you to an interview without an intent to kill you, literally. The complexity or simplicity of various resume formats tends to produce results varying from it being used to test office shredder, rolled up and repeatedly aimed at bin approximately eight feet away or posted as an internet joke.

Resumes may be organized in three different ways. Understanding the key benefits of these common formats will exponentially increase your chances of a success if your original chance of success is zero; exponentially speaking, your chances will continue to be zero.

Reverse chronological resume: Although you might find it hard to believe, a reverse chronological resume lists a candidate’s job experiences in reverse chronological order, generally covering the applicants previous ten to fifteen life reincarnation. Since this resume works to build credibility through experience gained while illustrating career growth over time, it is generally recommended exclusively for back stabbers, bottom lickers and dictators because, unlike others, they can demonstrate continuous career growth.

Functional resume: A functional resume lists work experience and skills sorted by skill area or the seven cardinal sins. It is used to focus on skills that are specific to the type of position being sought and therefore divert attention away from the several months during which you have been unemployed owing to forty-four employment contract terminations, all of which were related to your unsatisfactory performance. Since this format directly emphasizes specific professional capabilities and utilizes experience summaries as its primary means of communicating professional competency, it is highly recommended that you stay as far away from attempting it as possible.

Hybrid resume: The hybrid resume balances the functional and chronological approaches. A resume organized this way typically leads with a functional list of various human body parts, followed by a chronological list of failed relationships, preceded by unique skills like wiggling your auricular ear muscles superseded by valuable experiences like successful shoplifting and so on. The hybrid resume has a tendency to repeat itself and is, generally the best hope to confuse the employer into offering you an interview. Therefore, this less widely used format is your best choice.

Irrespective of the format chosen, the real secret to building a successful resume is to take a deep breath before beginning to compose one, then clasp your hands as tightly as possible and stretch them exactly thirty-eight degrees north of the Jupiter’s current position, then close your eyes and chant the following golden words precisely 289 times: “my resume is not a novel”!

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